My Name is Carley.... This Is What I Have To Share

Tell your boyfriend I said hi…..

Ha…. As if I had it in me to do that to another human being

And Yeah I just screamed “Fuck” in public because it was cold outside…

SO do you want to totally skip out on that exam and just dance around the room to really obnoxious music because frankly I think it sounds like a great idea

Maybe we could watch The Sound Of Music together and pretend like we are still little kids. 

Do you know that it is okay to want to go home… To miss your parents.

Let’s be thankful for the library… It is getting way too damn expensive to keep renting movies from Blockbuster when they are all reject films anyways…

Did you know that I will be paying over 3 grand to claim that I am a member of this club…. “But it’s kind of like shopping for a designer bag…. I am paying for a Louis Vuitton but I am getting a Coach…” 

I mean I literally wrote whatever on my drawing before I put in on the display board… 

And then I looked at her and told her that she was a psycho bitch who really needed to look into medication…. 

And could you please just get the fuck out of my life…. I mean if you are going to continue to keep popping up…. At least be honest about the fact that right now you totally love to hate me <3

“… and what if I told the people in my life I don’t believe?”   “…they would be afraid for you?” ///Why does everyone think they are entitled to grow up fast? Just because you think you are supposed to be an adult doesn’t make you one… And the age of 18 doesn’t equal maturity… ///You are a selfish bitch but I still love you because you’re family. ///You mistake your intelligence with authority… You may be smart but you have no right to make others feel stupid. ///”let’s just BANG right now” —- who decided that it was going to be politically correct to replace the verb “fucking” with the idiotic term “banging?  ///I want to walk into any store and have whatever I like. ///You can have what you want in life if you have the money. You can have anything you like if you have the body…///I miss you more than you will ever know… And I never really even knew you///If I choose not to believe in medicine because it has inflicted someone that I love who the hell are you to tell me I am wrong/// I really hope that Justin Bieber is a good person/// Why are people allowed to dictate my life when I am the one paying them to do their job?///You think that just because you are 50 you know everything… But you haven’t lived through every experience this world has to offer so I am here to tell you that you don’t /// I really wish you and Diane would get together and go fuck yourselves/// And frankly I really wish I didn’t give a damn /// “It isn’t supposed to change who you are… It’s supposed to help make sorting things out easier so that you can be the best version of you.” “Well I can tell you from experience that isn’t what happens.”/// I will always want to be a prima ballerina but that doesn’t mean it will ever actually happen/// Would you love me if you knew everything about me?…/// “Why are you killing yourself for three majors when you only have to have one?” “Because one just isn’t enough…”/// I want to travel the world now… Not when I’m older/// And I never wanted this for you…/// I wish you would take some fucking responsibility for your children…. They deserve better than this… You brought them into this world and you should love them unconditionally but instead you are too busy loving your boyfriend and they are left with no one…./// You could have said no… You could have made the decision to be a young rebel… You have to stop being angry at everyone around you for a decision that you made for yourself…/// Has anyone else ever noticed that it is always the trashy people that win the lottery???/// You can’t claim class… you have to show it through your actions…/// Yes I am sensitive and I care too much… but it’s really no one else’s business… and I didn’t ask for your opinion on the matter…/// Take a breath… And go on. 

I wouldn’t be able to place my past year into this box. But I can tell you that I have made some of the best memories of my life. I have most certainly met extraordinary people. And more than one of them has changed my life forever. Most of them have changed me for the better…But I don’t really think about this year as ending… I think of my life in sections instead of years… There was the section of innocent childhood… The section of corrupted youth… The section of believing I was a grown up while being obviously wrong… And the section where I am now which is the section of learning…. So instead of wrapping up my entire year into one post I will just select some of my important lessons… 

I have learned that family really are the most important people in your life even if you can only rely on one individual from a group of 15… 

I have learned that therapy is bullshit… Even if it worked for someone else…

I have learned that you are the only person that will look out for you… And if you are going to let your guard down then you had better make sure it is worth it…

I have learned that we will never have enough life but it is important not to waste what we do have…

I have learned that you must believe in something to survive in this world but there are no restrictions to what you must believe in… 

And most importantly I learned to breathe… Even in the darkest moments… Because life is to short spend merely inhaling and exhaling… 

If I were another person looking into the depths of my soul… I would be confused.  There it lies in shambles sewn together with infinite ribbons of color. “Are you crazy?” “No… well perhaps….. perchance… 

IN order to take something from such an experience one would have to know the entire story but that is something that is shared with no one but myself. So in a sense it would be laughable for someone to even attempt. 

“Four Lokos are dangerous!” “There are four in the fridge.” 

Am I loko? Hell no, I am a “once-in-a-generation”! If you know me I hope you have experienced a moment with the real me and not this falsity I seek to own. I don’t know why the gears in my mind turn in the directions they choose.

I, however, choose happiness. 

That means I choose to find my own way to impact the life of one stranger. One. That would be a mere joke. I need to impact so many strangers that I will never possibly be able to account for them all. 

I am going to make a god damn difference. 

If anyone had the answers to my questions confusion would not exist in this world. But I believe that there are no answers…. There are only questions and only quests to find the answers. Today my question would have to be “Why is everyone so ignorant?”. I can literally not exclude anyone from this list because I think everyone I know including myself is pretty damn ignorant about fifty percent of the time. But it is not as if you can tell people that because of course they will only get mad at you. If I told everyone what I felt and thought when I thought and felt it, I would have no one… But sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to be honest and have no one then to keep all of it to myself and have a massive headache… See I am being ignorant because of course it is not better to be all alone… That is just fucking stupid… 

Lately… Actually for a long time now… I have felt as if life was repeatedly slapping me in the face. Today it LITERALLY happened. I was just walking through a patch of grass to grab something out of my car and I happened to be looking down to make sure that I wasn’t stepping on any small critters. Then !BAMMMM! My head collided with a low hanging tree branch. And let me just say that this was not a dinky slim tree branch, this was one hell of a sturdy branch. I have never hit my head so hard in my life. I fell to the ground and it took me a second to remember where I was before I jumped to my feet and brushed all of the dirt off of my ass. My head hurts so bad that I am still trying not to vomit 2 hours later, and I think my ego will take a few days to recover. 

That was my vent session for the night and after reading over the negative (though slightly comical) blog I have to stop and remind myself that my life is no where near awful. In fact I am blessed with so many wonderful people and opportunities which I need to start recounting every day. 

So this is me letting go of the negative words at the top of this page. I hand them off to you to make what you can of them. 

This is my first post for my new blog. I guess that means I should start with the purpose. But for that you would need to understand a history, my history, and I am not sharing that here, because I am starting a new history.  So here I go…

There is a girl who works at the library. She is not a pretty girl but she is special. On her forearm the words “let go” are permanently etched in black ink. She is my reminder. Kind of like the words from the Dali Lama permanently etched in black ink on my brain that read “healthy mind= happy life”.  

I’m pretty sure that guy knows what he is talking about. 

I’ll give you a little piece of me. I don’t believe that every person on this planet has a blueprint drawn up by some “almighty architect” with the paths to their lives already laid out in white lines. In fact I think that notion is bullshit. People don’t become famous because they were destined before birth to become famous…. They become famous because they do something while they are alive that becomes significant enough to earn them a shining moment in the spotlight. 

So if you wake up one morning and decide that you are going to completely change your life around… Then you do it. That doesn’t mean it is going to be easy. If it were easy they wouldn’t try to pass out crazy meds to everyone who thinks their lives are “over”. 

But wouldn’t it be worth it? To be happy. To have a healthy mind and therefore a happy life. 

So the purpose of my blog, whether you choose to read it or not is to tell you all of the things I have to say. They may be happy things, documentations of my life, or things that I no longer wish to hold on to. I will give you my words so that I can have the capacity to occupy new words. I will give you my words so that I may ‘Live Like A Palm Tree”.